ChildrensChoice

Healthy Fear vs Unhealthy Fear

2012-05-15T23:09:00Z

I was reading The Noticer by Andy Andrews this past week, and the author wrote that worry and fear are just a misuse of the creative imagination that has been placed in each of us. He said that because we are smart and creative, we imagine all the things that could happen. I must admit that I find myself worrying entirely too much about everything but especially about my children and grandchildren.

I researched what parents worry about and found it very interesting that almost all the research agrees, which is rare. We spend way too much time worrying about things that will most likely never happen to our children, and we don’t focus nearly enough on what could make a difference for our little ones. We, as parents, are simply worrying about the wrong things.

"These worries that we have are so rare," says Christie Barnes, author of The Paranoid Parents Guide and mother of four. Based on surveys that Barnes collected, here are the top five dangers that parents worry about:

1. Kidnapping

2. School snipers

3. Terrorists

4. Dangerous strangers

5. Drugs

The top five things that parents SHOULD worry about are:

1. Automobile accidents

2. Homicide (typically committed by someone who knows the child, not a stranger)

3. Abuse

4. Suicide

5. Drowning

So, what’s a worried parent to do? Barnes has a simple prescription: helmets and seatbelts. Yes, that’s right: helmets and seatbelts. She says, "I know it sounds boring; but according to my research, making kids wear protective gear and buckle up in the car cuts their chances of death by 90 percent and their chances of serious injury by 78 percent.”

So, use your fear in a healthy way. Enroll your child in swimming lessons. Be diligent when children are swimming and don’t take your eyes off the water for a second. Don’t allow a child to ride even one mile without proper restraints. Know who knows your child. Follow your gut instinct and don’t hesitate to end a relationship that doesn’t seem beneficial to your child. Take your child’s word if she discloses something. Spend enough time with your child to know if he is in distress.

Barnes maintains that focusing on rare dangers distracts us from focusing on the dangers that matter. Healthy fear protects … and that is the intent of a loving parent.

Happy Mothers Day to Me ... Yes, to ME

2012-05-09T14:00:50Z

I have grown children, and I have learned the hard way that Jill Churchill’s quote is true:

“There’s no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one.”

With Mother’s Day approaching, I began to think about ways to honor my amazing mom and started down the familiar path of personal reflection that typically results in grading my own report card as a mother and grandmother. I’m a perfectionist, and I tend to linger on my mistakes. When my children hit bumps in the road, I immediately feel tremendous guilt over my imperfections as a mom. Then again, I sometimes marvel at how amazing they turned out in spite of my shortcomings.

I am very hard on me … I know that. And I suspect that there are many of you who are the same way. My challenge for each mom reading this blog is that you would lay aside any guilt, regret, or barrier that prevents you from just enjoying the good that you have accomplished with each of your children. Take the time to celebrate all the joys and every sweet moment and memory.

William Shakespeare said, “Joy delights in Joy.” Being joyful brings you more joy. Celebrate the things you have done and are doing well as a mom. You deserve it. If you have very young children, learn now to forgive yourself and be joyful. It is the greatest gift that you can extend to yourself. Yes, you need to be diligent. Yes, you need to take your role seriously. Yes, you need knowledge and wisdom. However, once you have done all that you can to prepare and you have poured your heart and soul into being the best mom that you can be, learn to celebrate the things that you do well and keep working on the areas where you want to improve. And while you will never be a perfect mom, you will find your own unique way to be a good one.

“Happy Mother’s Day!” to all the incredible moms, grandmothers, and caregivers who give of themselves every day for America’s children. We celebrate YOU!

I Can Never Build Another You

2012-05-03T17:37:07Z

Grammy award-winning country music artist, Larry Gatlin, was recently featured on Fox News because he had written a song for the tornado victims in Woodward, Oklahoma. He was lying in bed watching the news one night when he saw a young woman standing in the debris of her home. Pointing to her husband and tearfully looking into the camera, she said, “I can build another house, but I cannot build another him.” Larry climbed out of bed. When his wife asked where he was going, he said, “You know where.” And a touching song was born.

Shortly thereafter, Larry performed the song at a benefit in Woodward, Oklahoma. The lyrics are very moving and true, and I encourage you to check it out on YouTube. The young lady who inspired the song held the handwritten words as Larry sang, and the community came together to raise close to $200,000 for the victims. It’s a great story of compassion.

As I listened, I thought about how applicable this song is to parenting. We will have several opportunities in our lives to build houses, careers, and dreams … yet we have but one chance to build our children. Each child has only one childhood, and what we do every single day really matters as her brain connections form. Look into your child’s eyes and make note: the emotional connection she needs today is significant to the woman she will become.

No matter what stage of life—rocking him gently to sleep, helping her with her homework, getting her ready for prom, watching him learn to be a man—remember that each child deserves our very best. What we do every day molds them into who they become … forever. Think about that as you make choices in life so that you can reflect on your choices with pride. Build your child with honor … with confidence … and with knowledge.

Identifying Connection Thieves

2012-04-25T12:38:46Z

Each day is filled with choices. If I eat this, I will get this result. If I fail to exercise, I will NOT get my desired result. We face choices in every aspect of our lives, and we live with the results of the choices we make. The story of our lives is a summation of the individual choices we make on a daily basis.

I have titled this blog “Identifying Connection Thieves” because one of my passions has become educating parents of young children on the results of “unconscious choices.” Parents make choices each day that literally rob them and their children of connection. My heart breaks when I see well-meaning parents miss a chance to let their child know that he is the most important person in the world to them. However, parents can often seize the opportunity to connect by making small, simple adjustments.

I believe there are five leading connection thieves between parents and their children, and I offer a few suggestions that might be helpful:

1. Failure to get on the child’s level and make eye contact – When you are having ANY discussion with your child, it is respectful to come to his level or bring him to your level. This means you should always get on his eye level to say, “Good bye,” when you drop him off at school. When you pick him up, take a moment to say, “Hello,” … eye to eye. Let him SEE in your eyes that you missed him.

2. The cell phone – Put your cell phone away when talking to your child. Many of our centers have a “No Cell Phone” rule. For those centers that do not, I am appalled at how many parents come to pick up their children chatting on cell phones and never break the conversation. The parent walks in, signs out his child, and walks out. How significant do you think that child feels to her parent? That phone conversation was more important than greeting his child with a hug and an eye-level conversation about her day. Texting while a child is talking is just as disrespectful. Every child deserves respect, regardless of her age.

3. What an adult has to say is always more important that what a child has to say – I routinely see a child who is excitedly talking to a parent. Then the parent is approached by another adult, and she automatically assumes that her child’s conversation must be halted to speak with the adult. There are times this is true, but the SAME rules of politeness apply. It is respectful for the parent to say, “Excuse me please,” to her child in the exact same manner that she would say it to an adult. This sends the message that her child is VERY important to her.

4. Interrupting a child before he can finish his thought – While it can be frustrating at times to give a child whatever time he needs to express a thought, it is rude to interrupt him before he is finished. I cannot count the number of times I have seen adults interrupt, ignore, or walk away just as a child is really building momentum in his story. If we are to raise polite children, we must treat them politely. If we want our children to respect others, we must respect them. Listen to your child with enthusiasm and look him in the eye as he talks. Don’t miss this chance to connect with him and to let him know how important he is in this world.

5. The computer/television -- Electronics can be huge connection thieves if we allow them to play that role. Turn away from your computer and shut off or at least mute your television when your child has something to say. It is almost impossible to truly connect when there is noise all around. Go for a walk … sit quietly together. Tell your child by your actions that she is more important than a video game, a TV show, or an email. Stop, look, and listen when she walks into the room. Both of your lives will be richer when you truly focus on her.

“Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that
this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.”
~ Oprah Winfrey

Be happy in this moment … this moment is your life. This moment becomes the life you build for your child. Treasure each one. Refuse to allow “connection thieves” to rob you of the special moments with your child that can be yours every day.

What's Behind the Whining

2012-04-18T01:09:58Z

Doris Day once said, “Gratitude is riches. Complaint is poverty.”

We all know that it isn’t healthy to complain all the time, and we sometimes see our child’s whining as complaining. Most whining certainly sounds very negative, but perhaps there is another way to assess whining in young children.

Did you know a child often whines when he senses that his connection with his parent is broken or slipping? He is expressing that he needs YOU and that he feels powerless. He isn’t really THAT concerned about whether or not he gets the toy, the donut, or the soda. That’s why he continues to whine after you hand him what he requested.

How do you reconnect with your child?

1. Make eye contact. Get on your child’s level whenever you talk with her. This makes her feel very special.

2. Use your child’s name. Affectionate names are great at certain times, but always use his name when you are addressing an issue or making an important point.

3. Touch your child. Never underestimate the power of a gentle, loving touch as you connect with her. Hugs heal. Gentle strokes of kindness soothe when words fail.

4. Understand that the whining is a cry to connect and use words to tell your child how important he is to you. Even if your three-year-old doesn’t understand all the words, he will instinctively respond to words of affirmation.

5. Stop what you are doing and give your undivided attention to your child. So often we give our children directions or words of comfort while we are doing 10 other things, which makes them feel that they are number 11 on our list of priorities.

6. Set aside time each day to spend one-on-one time with your child. If she is whining, don’t focus on that. Focus on the connection between the two of you.

Every stage of development is filled with joys and challenges. Sometimes we think we know what our child is doing, but we get it wrong. A whining child is not trying to manipulate you or control you. Rather, he is letting you know that he needs to connect with you. He isn’t really complaining … he is crying out.

Work-Life Balance Is A Myth

2012-04-11T12:22:26Z

Today was a very sad day in my home. Our beautiful puppy that we have loved for 11 years died. My daughter held him as he took his last breath, and I held her as she held him. Bo was her dog; he was her shadow. As a working mom, I knew one thing for sure: This was a day that I wanted to be fully present with my daughter, and I could not comfort her from my desk as Chief Operating Officer of Children’s Choice.

I needed to be a mom today, and I am NOT ashamed to say that. The brave women in business who came before me and spoke out for all of us enabled me to say that taking care of my child was more important than anything else today. Sheryl Sandberg, the COO of Facebook, has written an article entitled, “There’s No Such Thing as Work-Life Balance” (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/06/sheryl-sandberg_n_1409061.html). She articulates it so well for us all, and I encourage every working mom to read it.

We owe Ms. Sandberg and many other amazing female executives a note of gratitude. Thank you for doing what you do with confidence, excellence, and persistence. At times, all of us have swallowed our pride and our guilt and persevered because we knew that we had the leadership skills and the passion to make a difference in the business world. The guilt we feel when we succeed is unique to women—most men do not struggle with success the way we do. We must continue to speak out, support each other, and give our best to our work and at home.

I want to say this to every disheartened woman who is trying to find work-life balance: It does not exist. There are days when my leadership role takes 100% of me, and there are days when my family must take priority. I have to roll with the varying needs and integrate my work into my life. I am learning that it is not only okay to manage my time in this way, but it is also okay to say out loud that this is what I do.

RIP, Bo … You were a great, furry little friend to Brittany. And to my sweet daughter … you were so very strong as you said good bye to your best friend. Thank you for supporting me in my decision to lead. Also, I could not be more proud of all my children who shared their mom with the business world and have grown into amazing business leaders themselves. As Sheryl Sandberg stated in her clip, “It does work out.”

Safety FIRST

2012-04-04T14:44:32Z

Yesterday in Dallas, we experienced tornadoes all across our city and endured sirens and weather warnings for hours. My children, grandchildren, and my Children’s Choice children were scattered throughout the metroplex. My heart and efforts were focused on ensuring that each child, educator, and family member was safe.

It is in these moments that I realize WHY our team puts so much effort into the smallest details. I drew such peace from KNOWING that every person would do whatever it took to protect one another. We cannot keep the storms away, but our passion for excellence pushes us to be prepared when storms arise. We have a plan, we follow our plan, and our efforts equip us with the tools and knowledge that we need to do our very best.

Nothing matters more than safety, and these violent storms were a great reminder for families to take an inventory of their safety procedures at home. Are you prepared? Have you taken the time to focus on the details so that you can face the storms of life with confidence? Do your children know where to go and what to do? FEMA’s Are You Ready? Guide for families (http://www.ready.gov/are-you-ready-guide) can assist you in preparing for any emergency. Storms will come our way, and we must be prepared to do everything we can to protect those who cannot protect themselves.

THANK YOU to all of my Children’s Choice educators who huddled in hallways, bathrooms, and other appropriate tornado shelters in the Dallas area yesterday, keeping children safe and making them smile while you did so. I cannot tell you how proud I am of each one of you.

Silent Messages

2012-03-27T16:01:06Z

Sometimes parenting is easy, and sometimes it is frustrating and impossible. I’ve said many times that the highest highs and the lowest lows I’ve ever experienced have been in my parenting role. One thing I know for sure … just as I think I have it all figured out, I realize how much more I need to learn.

There is a Jewish Proverb that states, “A mother understands what a child does not say.” Have you ever had a feeling and followed that feeling until you found the problem? Tonight, I thought I was going into the kitchen just to get a Diet Coke only to realize I was following my heart. I found my 20-year-old quietly working on her computer. When I called out to her across the room, she yelled back without looking up, “Good night,” just like she always does. However, there was something in her tone that said, “I need to talk.” I walked over and asked, “Are you okay?” and she replied, “Yes.” When I asked why she wouldn’t look up at me, she slowly turned her face. With tears in her eyes, she said, “Because my face wouldn’t have matched my words.” Moms just know. After a long talk and many more tears, we came up with a plan to make things better.

I can’t fix her problems. I wish I could kiss her skinned heart and make it all better. However, one thing that I know for sure is that I haven’t outgrown the need of my parents; and I hope that my grown children never outgrow the need to “talk it out” with me. I want to be the best mom and grandmother that I can be, and that means I spend time listening and talking with my children and grandchildren.

I compiled these five simple parenting tips for a presentation I made this week, and it seems appropriate to share them here:

1. Great parenting begins with a healthy parent. Take care of yourself so that you can take great care of your child. Be a great role model; model self-love.

2. Children can read the heart, and they can spot a phony. Make sure your words match your eyes, and your actions match your words. Don’t lie to your children.

3. Have high expectations of your child but make sure that you are not living vicariously through him. Help him pursue his dreams and build on his talents.

4. Parent each child as an individual. Children will respond differently and what works for one child may not work for another. Change it up.

5. Guard your words. Words hurt. Know when to walk away or take a break. Ask for forgiveness when you make a mistake. No one is perfect, and children need to see parents handle failure successfully.

Listen to your child’s silent messages. What is she NOT saying that she wants you to hear?

March Madness

2012-03-21T14:36:15Z

It’s that time of year – if you turn on your TV for very long, you are going to see a game of basketball. Dreams come true for some college seniors on the Cinderella team, and dreams are crushed for players who were confident they would go all the way to the championship. Their responses to winning or losing are largely determined by how they were parented.

It’s powerful to know that as a parent, I am responsible for equipping my child with the coping skills he will need throughout all of life … and I must begin early. There will be victories, and there will be losses. There will even be stretches of time when life is simple and mundane. The way I treat my child from the moment he is placed in my arms determines how well he adjusts to everything life slings his way.

If I respond to his cues in a timely manner when he is an infant, I teach him that he matters and that his feelings are important to me. He learns to trust or mistrust in infancy. If I bond with him and he bonds with me, he has the confidence for all other relationships. If I treat him with respect and expect respect from him, he will know how to handle himself when he’s in the spotlight.

Parenting matters. The goal of parenting is to equip your child with the skills he will need to build a great life. Sigmund Freud said, “The relationship between the mother and child is the prototype for all future relationships.”

A few of the talented players we are watching will probably go pro, and we hope that they are equipped with the skills they need to be successful. My nephew posted a quote today that I love: “Some people are so poor that all they have is money.” Our responsibility as parents is to ensure that our children have abundance in all areas of life. We want them to know how to give and how to receive love, kindness, peace, and tolerance.

March Madness will end, and life will go back to normal for every player and viewer. Make sure that you are preparing your player or viewer for whatever life might bring his way in a few years. There will be seasons of “madness” in all of our lives. How well your child handles these times will be determined by how you have equipped him.

Parenting matters. Be the best parent/caregiver you can be. You make a difference for a lifetime.

Sunday Lessons

2012-03-14T04:07:29Z

As our family was having lunch on Sunday, my six-year-old granddaughter told me about waking up early that morning and watching two birds outside her window. The light in her eyes was magical as she shared her experience … how the birds interacted, perched on the ledge then bumped each other off, and how it looked as if they were talking to each other. She felt like they were putting on a show just for her. “It was so cute, Dee Dee,” she said.

I have read a lot of research about the importance of nature to young children and realized, yet again, that I am STILL learning some of life’s most valuable lessons from children. I was reminded how important it is to STOP and smell the roses … or watch the birds.

So … I looked out my office window yesterday and saw an absolutely beautiful, sunny day with a gentle breeze blowing. I asked myself, “What would Ava do?” Of course, I knew the answer. I found a great table at a restaurant and had lunch … outside! I rarely eat lunch during the week and certainly do not take the time to enjoy it. However, because I had seen the world through the eyes of an enthusiastic, innocent, and loving child, I decided to stop and appreciate the beautiful day that was all around me.

Frank Lloyd Wright said, “The older I get, the more beautiful life becomes.” It surely does, but do we take the time to notice? Children see beauty all around them. It is the adults who often cover up that beauty by loading our children down with obligations, competitions, impossible schedules, and too much pressure. We could learn so many valuable lessons if we just watched HOW children experience their world when given the opportunity.

I challenge all of us—as parents, grandparents, educators, and friends of children—to ensure that we are giving them moments to connect with nature and to explore the beauty of the earth. I also encourage each of us to take the time to stop and appreciate our world as children see it.

I came back from our Sunday lunch so refreshed. Thank you, Ava!

Reality Shows

2012-03-06T19:11:48Z

I don’t know if you have watched certain TV “reality” shows that feature children, such as Dance Moms or Toddlers and Tiaras. I typically watch anything at least once if there is a child in it just to keep up-to-date. It is very difficult for me to contain my anger, frustration, and sorrow about the adults in our society who justify some of the “realities” that our children are exposed to. It saddens me to watch the experiences these children are forced to participate in before they are old enough to have a voice strong enough to make a choice. I sometimes feel that same anger, frustration, and sorrow when shopping at our neighborhood stores—those moments when cameras are NOT rolling, and parents are just going about life. I cannot stand to see children disrespected, berated, or handled inappropriately.

I simply wanted to stop today and remind ALL of us as adults—whether you are a parent, grandparent, guardian, friend, aunt, uncle, cousin…the list could go on and on—that children are our greatest natural resource. How we treat our children determines the future of our society. We must stop hurting, destroying, abusing, mistreating, and neglecting our most precious natural resource. We must refuse to accept it as a society.

The news has been filled the past few weeks with stories on the price of and speculations about the availability of gasoline. And yet, our nation’s GREATEST natural resource is being harmed; and we as a society are becoming more and more desensitized to it. If you have a child in your life in ANY capacity, take the time this week to notice. Is this child loved, hugged, protected? Does this child have provision, shelter, and protection? If not, make a difference. You cannot save the world, but you CAN save one.

If each of us reaches out to make a difference, we can create a new reality for our children. Television shows do not last without good ratings. If we refuse to watch, perhaps a few less children will be exploited. If we teach a young mother what we have learned, perhaps we can save her from making a critical mistake. If we start a parent group, perhaps an otherwise uninformed parent will realize she is making an unhealthy choice or feels safe to reach out when overwhelmed. Ask yourself, “What can I do?”

Impact the REALITY of a child’s life in your world…it will SHOW.

Self-Compassion

2012-02-29T13:07:16Z

I’ve written on many topics over the past couple of years, but I don’t think I have touched on this one. The Live Science web site recently published 10 Scientific Tips For Raising Happy Kids. One of the tips is to foster self-compassion:

Parental guilt is its own industry, but avoid the undertow! Research suggests that self-compassion is a very important life skill, helping people stay resilient in the face of challenges. Self-compassion is made up of mindfulness, the ability to manage thoughts and emotions without being carried away or repressing them, common humanity or empathy with the suffering of others, and self-kindness, a recognition of your own suffering and a commitment to solving the problem. Parents can use self-compassion when coping with difficulties in child-rearing. In doing so, they can set an example for their kids.

Be kind to yourself and teach your children self-compassion. This doesn’t mean that you offer excuses for every action. No one knows better than we do when an action is a sincere mistake or when it is a deliberate intent to cause harm. When sincere mistakes are made, be gentle with yourself. Forgive genuine mistakes – those made by others and those made by you.

Life is fast, life is tough, and life is brutal. Surround yourself and those you love with compassion. Your life will be richer with this deliberate decision! A compassionate heart is a beautiful heart.

Don't Miss the Music

2012-02-22T17:00:20Z

Our chairman’s son ran across this article by Josh Nonnenmocher last week and shared it with our team. I knew when I read it that I would make use of it in my blog today. We learn so much from children. They teach us to live in the moment. They teach us to embrace and enjoy the unexpected gifts that life offers along the journey. Children’s Choice works hard to put resources, materials, and equipment at children’s fingertips because we know that they will explore. They will experiment. They will take great pleasure in discovery. If they hear beautiful music, they will seek out the source and then pause to listen, not missing the moment. We could all learn valuable life lessons from a child in our world. I know that my life is richer because of the work that I do with children. They are the greatest teachers I’ve ever met.

Child playing a violin for his friends at one of our centers while they enjoy snack.

Here is an excerpt from Mr. Nonnenmocher’s article.

A man sat at a metro station in Washington, D.C. and started to play the violin; it was a cold January morning. He played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, since it was rush hour, it was calculated that 1,100 people went through the station, most of them on their way to work.

Three minutes went by, and a middle aged man noticed there was musician playing. He slowed his pace, and stopped for a few seconds, and then hurried up to meet his schedule.

A minute later, the violinist received his first dollar tip: a woman threw the money in the till and without stopping, and continued to walk.

A few minutes later, someone leaned against the wall to listen to him, but the man looked at his watch and started to walk again. Clearly he was late for work.

The one who paid the most attention was a 3 year old boy. His mother tagged him along, hurried, but the kid stopped to look at the violinist. Finally, the mother pushed hard, and the child continued to walk, turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. All the parents, without exception, forced them to move on.

In the 45 minutes the musician played, only 6 people stopped and stayed for a while. About 20 gave him money, but continued to walk their normal pace. He collected $32. When he finished playing and silence took over, no one noticed it. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.

No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the most talented musicians in the world. He had just played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, on a violin worth $3.5 million dollars.

Two days before his playing in the subway, Joshua Bell sold out at a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100. In the 45 minutes the musician played, only 6 people stopped and stayed for a while. When he finished playing and silence took over, no one noticed it. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.

This is a real story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste, and priorities of people

One of the possible conclusions from this experience could be:

If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world playing the best music ever written, how many other things are we missing?

Love of Reading

2012-02-14T22:43:47Z

Have you ever noticed children who seem to have a genuine love of reading? It is so inspiring to see a child choose a book over a movie and watch their eyes light up when they receive the gift of a new book! Have you ever wondered if children are just born “loving to read”?

I am not a gambler, but I WOULD wager that environment plays a huge role in a child’s attitude toward books. We often wish our children would read more, but we make things so much more difficult than they need to be. In order for children to choose books, we must make books readily available AND appealing to them.

Here are some great tips from moms whose children LOVE to read:

1. Begin reading to your infant. Babies need that receptive language. YOU may not be able to see the benefits, but there ARE benefits. In addition to reading simple books, describe routine tasks as you are doing them such as changing his diaper, wiping his mouth, and preparing his bath. Your baby needs to hear your voice throughout the day.

2. Allow your infant and toddler to handle books that are mouth-friendly. It’s okay for them to put books in their mouths – this is how they explore.

3. Continue to describe a toddler’s world to her. Read books with pictures of real things in her everyday world. Let her hold the book. She loves repetition, so she will want to read the same books over and over. Remember, she is entering into the first stages of independence, and she wants to be in control. Put the books at her level so that she can choose what she wants to read.

4. Keep books handy for ALL ages. Remember that reading can be a big part of EVERY area of a child’s world. Here are some great tips on how to infuse your child’s world with books:

a. Keep books in the car. Encourage your child to read instead of watching a movie while riding. Offer books that relate to things that he might see while riding. Find things in the book and look for similar things in the real world.

b. Keep a basket of books by the back door and allow your child to read outdoors. Nothing is more relaxing than reading with the warmth of the sunlight on your skin or a cool breeze on your face.

c. Keep books that are waterproof by the bathtub. Yes, publishers make bath time books! You have a captive audience so read stories while your child is in the tub.

d. Keep books at your child’s fingertips throughout your home, not just in her room. Make books available in the kitchen so that your child can read while you prepare a meal, in the family room to encourage reading as a family, in the bathroom, etc.

e. Pack books when you travel – even for short distances. Rent new books from the library or buy new titles as a surprise. If your child is old enough, purchase a book about your destination and read it with him.

f. Have books available on subjects that each of your children enjoys or shows a keen interest in.

g. Reward what you want to see repeated – offer an incentive if you are having trouble inspiring your child to read. Sometimes children just need something to get them started.

Building Healthy Self-Esteem

2012-02-06T19:14:59Z

Current events are once again influencing my blog. I continually look at choices that adults make in life and wonder what we can do as parents, grandparents, and educators to impact our children to make healthier choices.

I was particularly moved when I read this quote by actress Demi Moore: “What scares me is that I'm going to ultimately find out at the end of my life that I'm really not lovable, that I'm not worthy of being loved, that there's something fundamentally wrong with me...and that I wasn't wanted here in the first place." Wow! A life of glamour, fame, beauty, and riches…and yet inside, she fights a real battle with self-esteem.

How do we build self-esteem in our children from the beginning? How do we give them the stability they need to navigate life with confidence and poise when adversity comes their way?

Babies are not born with tormenting thoughts about how ridiculous the bib looks on them. They don’t worry about their weight and thus limit themselves to only a few bottles a day. Those of us around babies are responsible for every message they receive as they age. But sometimes it is the more subtle things we do or don’t do that affect our children’s self-esteem.

1. Did you know that attending to your baby’s cries in a timely manner sends a message that he is important to you? Soothing, comforting words tell him he matters and begins building his self-esteem. While an infant cannot communicate verbally, he deserves to hear words of affirmation. Begin early describing your feelings and the world around him. He knows the sound of your voice—it’s been with him always. Don’t wait until he can communicate back with you. Use words of affirmation liberally from the day he is born.

2. Always offer reassuring words without mockery or teasing when your toddler is afraid, even if the fear is unfounded such as being scared of the vacuum cleaner. Her feelings matter to her, and it is important that she knows that her feelings matter to you. You are building the foundation now for her teenage years.

3. Preschoolers need coaching on their behavior so correct the behavior while always validating the child. Separating the behavior from the child lets him know that he is always accepted even when his behavior is unacceptable. Use phrases like, “I know you feel angry, and it is okay to feel angry. However, you may not hit your friend when you are angry. Use your words to tell him to stop knocking down your blocks.” This says, “I am not upset with you. I am upset with your behavior.” Be very careful what you say—your words are more powerful than you think.

4. Be a good role model. If you talk about how fat, ugly, or silly you are, your child will assume that this is how one should feel about one’s self.

Children with healthy self-esteem are able to solve problems and typically have an easier time resisting negative peer pressure. More importantly, they seem to really have fun in life. Together, we want to work together to give our children the ability to ENJOY the wonderful gifts that life provides. If they are weighed down by negative self-esteem, they are sitting on gifts they cannot enjoy.

Remember that one of the most important roles of parenting is to equip your child for life. Equipping her with healthy self-esteem is one of the greatest gifts you can give her—a gift that will serve her in every area of her life.

Honesty

2012-02-01T14:09:59Z

I was doing some research for a friend of mine and was struck by how some of the basic principles of life are consistent. Honesty with discretion is always the best way to address any issue that you or your family must face—at home, at work, and especially in parenting.

Children deserve to be told the truth. Children should not be told un-truths if parents are splitting up or if Grandma is very ill. Perhaps they do not need the details, and perhaps they should be shielded from circumstances that they have no business knowing. But children deserve to know the age-appropriate truth.

Listen carefully to what your child says and correctly assess his questions. I love the story of the young kindergartner who asked his mom that dreaded question one day: “Mom, where did I come from?” The mom decided that it must be time to explain how life is created. The child listened patiently and once the mom was done, he stated, “Hmmm….my friend moved here from Cleveland. I just wondered where we moved here from.” Obviously, Mom didn’t correctly assess what her child was asking.

When attempting to address ANY issue with your child, be sure that everything you tell her is true. People deserve the truth. Children are little people. You certainly need to adjust the degree of how much you share to meet the circumstance and the amount of truth that your child can handle. But, if you tell her a non-truth when she is young, she will learn to distrust you later in life. She might not know the difference now. But as she grows and reflects on what you told her, she will wonder how many other things were not true.

Be candid. Be honest. Be kind. Every person deserves that respect…and that certainly includes the children.

Trusting Their Captain

2012-01-25T13:04:21Z

Several days ago off the coast of Italy, over 4000 passengers boarded a cruise ship fully believing that their safety would be the captain’s number one concern. I am confident that they all trusted that the captain and crew were competent, well educated, and committed to excellence. Those passengers would not have boarded the ship unless they felt certain that the captain and crew could lead them to safety should the ship encounter danger. As we know, the news tells a very different story. Although the full account of the tragedy has not yet unfolded, it appears that that the passengers’ trust might have been misplaced.

I thought about how our children come into this world and depend on the adults in their lives to be their captains until they can take the helm of their own ships. Children cannot survive without loving, informed, and committed adults. They arrive fully trusting that we will provide everything they need and that they can sit back, relax, and enjoy a wonderful childhood.

That tiny son can thrive as an infant because we attend to his cries knowing that crying is his way of communicating. He begins to express independence as a toddler, and his preschool years are an amazing time of discovery. One day we are listening to him “read” a picture book…and the next thing we know, he’s waving at us as he drives off alone for the first time. Prom arrives as does the long good-bye when he leaves for college. And in the blink of an eye, we see what a great captain he has become for his own children.

With a great captain, your child will thrive. Without a great captain, he is in grave danger. Trust is a beautiful thing. Be a great captain.

Kindness

2012-01-17T16:57:01Z

I AM a sports fan, but I don’t usually watch replays. And I certainly don’t search for clips of athletes to listen to what they had to say on the field. However, I watched a clip on Tim Tebow because of all the hype about him. I assumed that someone had posted this clip on Facebook either to show how religious he is or to humiliate him in light of the Denver Broncos’ huge loss this past weekend.

What I discovered was a guy just trying to play some football and showing kindness to his teammates…especially to those teammates who had made mistakes. Tim continually spoke winning words, and every word was positive and full of kindness. What I did NOT hear from him was religious slang or him trying to persuade someone to believe as he believes.

It really doesn’t matter to me whether you are religious or a Tebow fan. And it doesn’t matter if you believe the hype is just that—hype. Any mom who taught her son to speak words of kindness to those around him, especially in stressful times, should be commended.

Kindness heals. Kindness inspires. Kindness wins in the end regardless of whether you win or lose the game. Use whatever influences you can to instill a desire in your children to be kind to others. I am not suggesting one of those influences be Tim Tebow—I mention him only as an example. A look that says, “I still believe in you,” when the chips are down is a gift to anyone—no matter the age, religious affiliation or lack thereof, race, or economic status. We ALL need acts and words of kindness.

I think Mark Twain and Mother Theresa said it best:

Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
~ Mark Twain
Spread love everywhere you go, but first of all in your own house.
~Mother Teresa

Dr. Phil has a statement that I love: “Sometimes common sense just isn’t that common.” Common sense parenting certainly seems rare. If my blog inspires just a few of you to use common sense with your children, I feel vindicated.

Take time this week to offer a gift of kindness to those around you, and teach your child the value of this gift. Use an illustration in your world to make your point. It doesn’t have to be a religious illustration—not that there is anything wrong with that—but let’s not overlook the basic good in people because we might not agree with everything they do.

What I Learned About Rough and Tumble Play

2012-01-09T20:46:53Z

I am reading a book called Big Body Play by Frances M. Carlson. I highly recommend it because Ms. Carlson does a great job of explaining the difference between rough and tumble play and aggressive behavior. She spent three years researching the value of big body play, and the book is filled with wonderful information about WHY children need to be allowed to experience the risks and challenges that age-appropriate roughhousing offers.

As I was reading, I thought about all the times that I have personally said, “Be careful or you might get hurt,” to my children and grandchildren. My husband just smiles and allows them to continue what they are doing. I understand that it truly takes us all to raise emotionally healthy children, and research confirms that men typically allow children to experience things with more risks involved than women do.

Parenting is tough. We work hard to protect our children from things that will hurt them, and then we hear we need to lighten up. We work hard to provide great gifts to them, and then we feel that we are indulging them. Yet when we hold back, we feel that we are depriving them. They do not arrive with a handbook, and we love them so much that we want to do it right.

I am confident of this: Your child will have a wonderful childhood if you love deeply, trust your instincts, seek knowledge, act responsibly, stretch your own understanding to include new ways of thinking, and surround you and your child with a loving village of support.

You might go through seasons of being a hovering parent, or you might let your child get hurt because you didn’t stop her from jumping off of a ledge that was just a little too high, or you might have to wipe away some tears because you tried something that didn’t work out right. But remember this: We are ALL growing, learning, and walking through this thing called LIFE together.

As I read Ms. Carlson’s book, I feel badly that I didn’t allow my children, who are now ages 19, 30 and 33, to roughhouse as much as I should have. Perhaps their spatial and cognitive skills were affected by my protective ways, but maybe the village around them provided balance. However, I am seeking knowledge and will try to put it to work on my beautiful grandchildren.

Happy Is As Happy Does

2012-01-03T15:59:55Z

If you think that your frame of mind does not affect your child, I would ask that you take a minute to reconsider. According to a recent study by Harvard University and the University of California, San Diego, one’s probability of being happy rises:

· 15.3% if a friend or family member is happy

· 9.8% if friends of your friend or family member are happy

· 5.6% if friends of the friends of your friend or family member are happy

So, these statistics prove that YOUR mood affects not only those around you but also those that your friends and family members touch.

At this time of year, take the time to put on a smile, think pleasant thoughts, and determine that you are going to raise the “happiness meter” for those you care about. Next time you start to lash out in frustration over something extremely petty, it might be worth a second thought. Would you like to raise the happiness meter around you by 15% or lower it?

I often say that I am the voice of the child, and I want to use my voice to speak for the child who cannot. Each child has only one childhood, and we have only one chance to get it right. I agree that it takes a community to provide the best for each child. Let’s resolve to be a community of happy people. There is enough true sadness in the world without us creating sadness over things that truly do not matter.

The stress of this time of year weighs heavily on many families. Spread happiness. It doesn’t cost a penny to smile and “be happy.” Your family and friends will smile with you.