ChildrensChoice

Five Straight-Forward Tips for Parents

2013-05-22T14:07:55Z

I was sitting at lunch with my sweet granddaughter who is very prissy and always notices my jewelry, my hair, my outfit, and such. I have long acrylic nails, and three were broken and looked just awful. I held out my hand to show her how badly I needed to get to the nail salon and asked her, “Can you believe Dee Dee’s hand?” My sweet Ava said, “Wow, it is looking old.” Well, that wasn’t what I hoped she would say, but I do love the honesty of children. It is always so refreshing.

Life can rarely be understood in black and white, and there are typically gray areas where discretion is needed. We also sometimes try to sugarcoat our message to avoid offending someone. However, most of us appreciate simple honesty whenever possible. Here are five very honest, straight-forward tips that I hope will help you to parent those you love:

1. Children will become what they see you live out each day. It is pretty difficult to teach your child the value of honesty if he witnesses your dishonesty over insignificant things. If he hears you tell what we like to call ‘white lies,’ don’t be surprised if, as a teenager, he tells you what you want to hear instead of telling you the truth.

2. Children have a way of understanding the overall truth of a matter rather quickly. When tragedy strikes or unpleasant things happen that must be shared with them, it is okay to tell them what happened in an age-appropriate way; but they do not need gory details. They can grasp the overall point, and that is typically all they need. They will ask if they need more. Their main concern will always be, “How does this affect me?” Be sure to include that in any discussion you have with them about events in your family or community.

3. Children can spot division very quickly and will use it to their advantage. Make sure that the adults in the home who are participating in the child’s life are on the same page. If there are differences, iron them out behind closed doors and present a rock-solid, united front to the child.

4. Inconsistency is one of the most critical parenting mistakes. Be certain where you stand on an issue before you take action and then be consistent no matter how the child responds. If you change your position, talk it out with the child and let her know that you decided to make the change. Inconsistent parenting is confusing and, in the end, breeds insecurity in children. Follow through and keep the rules and expectations the same.

5. Don’t apologize for setting fair, consistent, loving limits. Children are not always happy with boundaries, but they need loving limits imposed by a loving parent until they are old enough to self-discipline. Remember that it is imperative to balance these limits with positive acts of kindness, words of affirmation, and time spent doing fun activities.

“It's not only children who grow. Parents do, too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can't tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it myself.” -- Joyce Maynard

The Power of Words

2013-05-14T18:39:23Z

This past Sunday was Mother’s Day, and I must say that I have the “World’s Best Mom” … hands down. She is the epitome of unconditional love with healthy boundaries. She is my mentor, my best friend, and the heart of our family. I love you, Mom! I also have an amazing daughter and daughter-in-law who are now great moms for the precious children of their unions. All of them honored me with such acts of kindness.

My youngest daughter is 21, still in college, and not married or ready to start a family. She wrote such a beautiful tribute to me. As she was lingering at the refrigerator on Sunday, I walked up behind her to give her a hug and said, “If they lined up all the little girls in the world …” She immediately laughed and said, “I know Mom,” and then finished the sentence. You see, Brittany is the only child in our family who is adopted. She often asked me questions, and I would hold her and tell her sincerely from my heart that if someone lined up all the little girls in the world and told me that I could choose any one I wanted that I would still choose her. These words are now deep in her heart. She has finally not only heard them and memorized them, but now she also truly feels them.

Dr. Phil says it takes 1000 “Atta-boys” to undo just one really hurtful message. This doesn’t mean that you ruin your child if you make a mistake – it means that words are very powerful and they stick. As parents, we owe it to our children to train ourselves to think before speaking.

I will never forget one day when I and my six-year-old son, who is now 34, got into a discussion about my memory. I said there were some things I would never forget. He challenged me and made up a word that he knew I would forget, and we share that secret word to this day. We still smile and use it routinely to remind us both that words and agreements made 28 years ago still matter.

Every word matters. It is our responsibility as parents to discipline our thoughts and our tongues from the moment our children are born so that we do not wound them. We can take heart in knowing that our feelings often follow our actions. The more we practice respect, kindness, love, and patience with our children, the more we actually feel what we once did simply out of discipline.

Here are five practical tips for keeping your words positive:

1. Make a commitment to practice being positive by using a patient tone even when you feel like exploding.

2. Practice smiling! Smiles improve your mood, and your child will benefit from them, too.

3. Use words of compassion when you might not really care if Sophia likes Evan or if Parker made the team. Sometimes your child just needs to know that you care enough to listen. You can offer her a compassionate tone, a gentle touch, and an empathetic look even when you don’t actually feel that way in the moment. Feelings follow actions.

4. Listen … even when you think you don’t have the time. Hold your tongue rather than tell your child that you are too busy for him. These words stick. You can always say something like, “Baby, I am very busy, but I’m never too busy for you. What do you need?” It will have an impact on him when you answer like this each time. Find just two minutes to stop, make eye-contact, and assess if he really needs you right now.

5. Ask for forgiveness when you fail. Model the behavior you desire to see from your children. No one is perfect. When you make a mistake, just apologize and learn from it. Keep working on building a home that is filled with positive affirmation.

This may sound like a cliché, but you will most likely ask yourself, “Is she listening?” when you consistently repeat certain things each day or every week. Nevertheless, keep filling her head with all the words she needs to counteract the negative messages that she will surely hear as she encounters life. Make certain it is your voice ringing clearly in her ears with words of praise, encouragement, affirmation, courage, and support.

Developing Happy Children

2013-05-08T00:22:06Z

“Happiness is not something ready-made. It comes from your own actions.”

-- Dalai Lama

If this is true, how do we teach our children to be happy?

First of all, we teach them by the way we ourselves live. Often the lessons are intentional and often they are not. There is one thing that has been proven through time: Happiness is a decision. We choose to be happy or we choose to be unhappy. It is not controlled by money or circumstances.

Sometimes our children emulate us, and sometimes they vow to be different from us. Either way, they are learning from our choices. More likely than not, our children will become what we have lived before them. Here are ten things that you can do to help your child develop into a happy adult:

1. Healthy routines matter. A healthy diet, plenty of exercise, a proper rest schedule, and adequate time spent exploring nature is vital to children and adults.

2. Teach your child early in life to freely forgive others. Live this out before him. If he sees that you hold a grudge and are constantly tearing others down, it is possible that he will not discover the beauty and freedom of forgiveness.

3. Smile. Make a habit of smiling at others. Teach your children to make eye contact and greet others with a smile. So often a warm, genuine smile will bring someone, even to a stranger, out of a sad mood.

4. Teach your child how to change his thought patterns. A counselor once told a group of first graders to, “Hit the eject button on that movie of sad thoughts and just tell your brain that you are not going to watch that movie anymore.” She went on to say that, “Once you hit the eject button, put in a DVD of funny or happy thoughts and watch that movie.” I thought it was a great way for young children to see that they can control their thoughts. I often use it myself to choose happiness.

5. Show your child the beauty of serving others. Start early in her life showing her how to be of service to others. Find a way to demonstrate to her that your community has needs and how important it is to help others. Everyone is happier when they are giving of themselves and meeting the needs of others.

6. Be grateful for what you have. When you serve those who are less fortunate, it helps children and adults focus on gratitude. Gratitude is refreshing, and it always lifts your spirit.

7. Laugh at yourself. This takes a lot of practice, but it can be taught. Some children are perfectionists, so take every opportunity to model this behavior and don’t take yourself so seriously.

8. Guard your relationships and who influences your children. One bad apple can spoil the whole bunch. Make sure that you are choosing friendships that support the happiness goals for you and your child.

9. Live in the moment. Real joy involves being fully present and not worrying about the future. Trust me -- your children know when they are getting only a portion of you. Put away the distractions and live in the moment. Not only will you enjoy it more, but you will also teach your children the path to happiness.

10. Keep it simple. You don’t need all the things you think you need to be happy. Things might be fun, and there may be pleasure in certain toys and experiences … but things cannot make you happy. Happiness is a choice that comes only from within. Teach your children this at an early age.

I am confident that our children will grow into happier adults if we understand how to develop happiness in our own lives. Children learn what they live, and we owe it to them to be the best that we can be for them.

Lessons Learned: How Two Amazing Young Men, Two Moms, a Nap-Time Story, and a Sobbing Stewardess Changed My Weekend and Impacted My Life

2013-05-02T19:56:16Z

I blog because of my passion to inspire big people to love, nurture, enjoy, cuddle, teach, and be advocates for little people, for their family units, and for those who might not have their own voice. I strive for a common-sense approach, so I often share simple life lessons I learn along the way. I feel that if my life is impacted, perhaps I can impact others. I say without reservation or hesitation that it has been a long time since I have been so inspired by a series of events. I also warn you that this blog might take a little longer to read than most. My heart is overflowing. I am flying home as I write and will have only one day with family, but I will be fully present for the beauty of the ordinary in a new way.

I arrived in a Midwest city on Friday afternoon after having traveled all week. This was probably my sixth airport in seven days. I had an important work event on Saturday, and I must admit that I was extremely weary. I love my life and my work, but I was really feeling the stress of my schedule on this particular day. I stepped off the plane lost in myself and my worries. As I entered the gate area, I saw the little man pictured here standing with his mom. He stopped me in my tracks, and I was unable to talk or keep walking for a few moments. I see welcome-home signs quite often in airports, but there was something in this child’s eyes that moved me beyond words. His intensity and his longing to see his dad walk off that plane just filled me with compassion.

I asked his mom for permission to take his picture. She had big tears in her eyes and excitedly explained to him that I wanted to take his picture because I thought he looked so nice. She gently caressed his head and told him to look at the camera. He did, but it was tough -- he kept looking behind me for Daddy who was on my flight and returning from Afghanistan. I wanted to stay and take pictures of them, but I had not suffered with them and felt that I did not deserve to experience their reunion. I walked away feeling grateful to his father, to his mother, and to sweet, brave, little Dylan who had sacrificed his daddy. They had all paid a big price for me and my family … for all of us.

My weariness couldn’t possibly compare to Dylan’s father’s. My sadness for not being with my children and grandchildren for our traditional Sunday lunch seemed so small compared to the many meals that Dylan has missed with his dad. I thought about how just last weekend, I had driven my granddaughters to lunch with the car top down and listened to them squealing with delight while Dylan and his mom were probably counting down the days until Daddy came home.

Dylan’s eyes say it all … eyes of longing, hope, sadness, and anticipation. Our men and women who serve would probably say that the ordinary days with their families are what they miss the most while many of us run through these days without pausing to appreciate them. And so came Lesson #1: Gratitude is refreshing. I vowed to look beyond my pettiness and appreciate the beauty of the everyday things. I will find ways to reach out to those who make tremendous sacrifices for others, including those who sacrifice for our country.I could have spent the last 30 minutes writing in my gratitude journal or thinking of creative ways to help others rather than wasting that time feeling down and focused on my own problems. I must admit that there was a bounce in my step when I walked away from Dylan that wasn’t there before I met him. I am grateful to him, to his family, and for every good thing that I have taken for granted.

This brings me to my next wake-up call -- Lesson #2: Find a way to communicate with those you love. Nap time at Children’s Choice in the center we were visiting was anything but ordinary for one little girl in our Kindergarten program. Her nap time is Daddy’s bedtime where he is stationed, and I cried when I learned that her nap-time routine includes a Skype “tuck-in” – her dad tucks her in for nap, and she tucks him in for a good night’s rest. Where there is love, there is a way. Rather than focusing on what you can’t do, focus on finding a way to seize every opportunity to communicate your love and devotion to those who matter in your life. Don’t let guilt, distance, or any other challenge keep you from finding creative ways to be involved in your loved ones’ lives.

Lesson #3: Do it while you can. As I was walking to my gate today, I witnessed a mom receiving a phone call. I do not know the details; I just know what I saw. She was a beautiful, elegant woman who lost all sense of direction and poise. She began sobbing, stumbling, and dropping things while trying to run to a gate. Some amazing people jumped in to help her, and all she could say was “My daughter…I just got a call…my daughter…” Those of us around her became a team. One man ran to the gate to ensure the plane didn’t leave without her. Someone else took her rolling suitcase while two strong men got on either side of her to escort her while gently saying, “We will get you there.” None of us knew her story -- we just felt her loss and knew that something very bad had just happened. Love while you can. Hug while you can. Express it now.

I thought about how I had gotten off a plane so self-centered less than 36 hours before and how much I had learned since then. Well, another lesson was waiting for me on this flight. Lesson #4: Is there anything more beautiful than a mother’s love? I was shaken when I boarded the plane and was thankful for an upgraded seat in first class. A stewardess began the safety instructions; and although she was trying, she just couldn’t stop crying. She apologized profusely and said, “I just saw a very young Marine in the back of the plane in full uniform. I asked him if his mom had seen him in full uniform yet. He began to cry and said, ‘No,’ but she was meeting him.” He told the stewardess how much he missed his mom and that she was so proud and so excited to see him. His tears said it all – he was proud, happy, and weary. The stewardess said she lost it at that point. Just then, a mom sitting on the first row jumped up and said, “He will not ride in the back! My son is a Marine. Bring him to my seat, and I will sit in the back of the plane.” How many lessons about a mother’s love, selflessness, pride, and honor can you receive from what I witnessed?

I have a new passion: To treasure and find beauty in each ordinary day. I vow to not waste my time being unhappy, focused on petty things, or pouring my heart and soul into things that simply do not matter. I trust that by sharing my experiences with you that you are inspired to think about what you might have overlooked. Perhaps a leisurely walk with your teenager where phones and other distractions are left behind could turn an ordinary day into a real connection. Perhaps just hugging your little one a bit tighter and making eye contact each morning will remind you of his love for you and will give him the confidence he needs for the real world. It is an honor to get to hug those we love, to laugh with those we cherish, and to invest in those for whom we are responsible. Sometimes we become mechanical, so we need to be purposeful while we have the opportunity. Children have one childhood, and we have one life. There are no do-overs.

Dylan’s daddy is home, and I am sure that Dylan was ready to get out of that suit and tie and just do some ordinary things with his dad. Dylan, you inspired me and started a weekend of life lessons that I will not soon forget. You and your mom are an inspiration.

My weekend was full of lessons and also full of joy, laughter, and purposeful planning to ensure that I focus on applying these reminders to my own life. To all the men and women who serve our country and keep us safe -- You reminded me that I, too, can enjoy ordinary experiences with my family. Thank you!! And to all the parents who work hard, feel guilty, and juggle more than you know how to do -- Just take it one day at a time and vow to find beauty and joy in each moment.

"What day is it?"

"It's today, " squeaked Piglet.

"My favorite day," said Pooh.

-A.A. Milne

It’s mine now, too.

Ten Tips for Successful Transitions

2013-04-24T12:41:55Z

You may have heard this quote: “The world hates change, but it is the only thing that has brought progress.” Why do we resist what we know is good for us and our children? Well, I don’t have a simple answer, but I do have some reassuring thoughts for parents regarding transitioning your child from one classroom, school, or comfortable situation into a new season.

It is our job, our honor, and our privilege to be an advocate for our child. What does this mean? Does this mean that we should ensure that our child has no discomfort or that we go before him and remove all encounters that will bring challenge? I think not. It is our job to know the people in his world and to make sure we have vetted the environment so that he is safe. Then we must equip him with the skills that he needs to navigate through new experiences as he leaves the comfort of a loving caregiver and learns to build a trusting relationship with his next caregiver. Change brings progress, and he must learn that he can cope with change.

Here are ten tips for parents:

1. The first three years of life should have the least amount of change. Continuity of care is critical. Certainly in the first year of life, avoid all change, if possible, and do not transition your child to a different classroom. Her bond with her caregiver is one way that she learns to trust.

2. Research validates that remaining with the same peer group is also crucial to forming strong, long-term relationships. It is important for both his primary caregiver and peer group to remain consistent, if possible.

3. When it is time to transition to another caregiver, the plan should be collaborative. Some children take longer to acclimate to change; and the current caregiver, the new caregiver, and the parents need to work on the child’s individual transition plan together. As a parent, you should be fully informed and feel a part of the plan. Speak up if you feel uninvolved.

4. Monitor your child’s behavior during the transition time. A child often shows signs of distress that may seem unrelated to the change. For example, she may regress to bed-wetting or baby talk or she may exhibit fears that have not existed in the past. These behaviors do not necessarily mean that the transition isn’t the right transition. They may indicate that your child doesn’t know how to express her anxiety. One way to help you understand the issues is to spend some time at the center observing her.

5. If your child is in preschool, encourage role playing. Often children will disclose their anxieties or the real issues when role playing. Otherwise, just work hard to keep your child communicating with you in any way that opens him up to you.

6. Do everything you can to keep the lines of communication open between the previous caregiver and the new caregiver. Often the caregivers can talk and figure out the origins of your child’s anxiety.

7. Teaching your child to cope with change is a skill that is critical in life, but every day she is upset is one day too many. If she has not adjusted to the transition after two weeks and you have observed in the classroom, worked with all caregivers involved, and cannot find a cause, you might want to try a different classroom or caregiver. There are occasions when personalities just do not connect.

8. Never second guess your gut instinct. If your child is unhappy and you do not feel at peace, make a change.

9. Your child is too important to let things slide so talk, talk, talk! So often, what is left unsaid can remedy a problem. Keep talking about what you feel would work. If you like 90% of what goes on, keep talking to your child’s caregiver. Most early childhood educators want to do a great job and are in this field because they have amazing hearts. They might be doing something that isn’t working simply because they do not know that something else might work better.

10. Show a positive attitude to your child and don’t let your own fear of change affect her. Comfort is tough to give up; but if you truly want her to excel, she must move on to bigger and better things. Let her excel, let her GROW!

Children and Tragedy

2013-04-16T19:04:36Z

I’ve listened intently to the horrible news and watched in sorrow as the footage of what happened at the finish line of the Boston Marathon continues to play. Many of us thought of and reached out to people we care about who could have been caught in harm’s way. Our hearts are with those who are personally dealing with this tragedy. In these times of grief as a nation, our anger and sense of powerlessness to control the situation sometimes causes us to watch extended coverage of the details surrounding the event. Perhaps this is in an effort to find some sense of understanding the chaos.

As an advocate for young children, I ask that you keep in mind that young children deserve a childhood free of anger, hate, and fear. Exposing them to the heinous acts of adults in their world robs them of a feeling of security and could cause them to have frightening dreams or worries that they cannot control. If children are allowed to watch something replayed on television, they might assume that the event is happening over and over again. This could cause their anxiety to build even more.

Let me offer some tips to help you deal with this tragedy with your children:

1. Listen to your child first. Find out what he knows before you launch into an explanation. A critical skill of being an effective parent is listening.

2. Never lie to your children. If your children are old enough to have heard what happened or if they have been personally touched by this tragedy, always tell them the truth on their level. It is important you begin early establishing their trust in you. You can say, “Yes, there was a big blast and people were killed and hurt, but that is over.” Bad things happen in our world, and you cannot make everything seem okay. However, do not give your children details that they cannot process. Remember that what children are really asking is how the news affects them.

3. Let your child voice his concerns. Don’t dismiss them. No matter how disconnected his fear may seem from the actual event, allow him to express it. Don’t ever tell him that he is wrong for feeling a certain fear. Just listen, let him know that you heard him, and then offer reassurance.

4. Guard the input -- this means television, radio, newspapers, the internet, and other adults. Do not allow children to be exposed to the details of a tragedy. It is our job to deal with the adult problems in this world and allow our children to enjoy their childhood.

5. Use these times to teach your child about caring for others, serving others, and empathy. Perhaps there are ways to reach out and show appreciation to your local firefighters and police officers, use art skills to make cards, plant flowers that honor the victims, and/or make donations to agencies that help others. There are so many ways to turn times of trouble into teachable moments. Teach your child early that pain can be turned into triumph.

While we are all heartsick at what has happened, we must keep our focus on what is right in our world and continue to keep our eyes on the positive so that our children feel safe. Stand guard over every child in your world. As adults, let’s turn our pain into triumph by uniting our efforts to make our world a better, safer, and more loving place for all of us.

Humor

2013-04-10T15:22:21Z

I’ve often seen single people interviewed about the most important traits that they are looking for when searching for a life partner. More often than not, they list a good sense of humor as one of their requirements. However, when I listen to the character traits that parents want to instill in their children, they rarely mention a good sense of humor.

Did you know that learning to look on the funny side of life is a skill and that it can be taught? Now, if you have raised more than one child or grandchild or even loved more than one child, you know that there are just some children who naturally make you laugh. They seem to arrive with a nature bent toward a sense of humor. We get that. However, a well-developed sense of humor is a tool that serves both children and adults well throughout life. Research has proven that children with a great sense of humor have higher self-esteem, are happier, seem to navigate through the challenges of life with greater ease, and have greater peer approval than those who have not developed in this area.

It’s not just about the children. We know that people who laugh more are healthier. Laughter is good for the soul and the body. Become more spontaneous with your child and teach her to find the humorous side of life and to look at things in an unconventional way.

It is important to understand a child’s level of development to recognize what is and what isn’t funny to him. Guard against crossing the line between affectionate humor and the teasing that he deems unpleasant. However, remember that developing a sense of humor is like any other skill -- it can be taught. It might not come as easily to some children as it does to others, but it is our job as advocates for our children to equip them with the tools to be successful in life. A great sense of humor is a skill that each child must have to navigate this great big world. Nothing soothes the soul like laughter with friends and family. Teach your child how to laugh out loud and enjoy the journey with those he loves and those who love him.

Lean In … Lean Out … Hold On … Let Go: Successful Parenting in a World of Mixed Messages

2013-04-02T16:30:20Z

I am an advocate for children and families – it has been my life’s work. I have seen up close and personal the real conflict that families face as they deal with the reality of balancing life. Successful parenting in this world of mass media and mixed messages is more challenging than ever before. I have personally experienced this conflict as an executive, wife, mom, and grandmother. Here are a few things I’ve learned that others may not tell you:

1. One cannot have it all at all times. There are times when my career flourishes, but it comes at a cost to my family. My children or grandchildren may want me to be with them, but I have to be at a very important meeting. Other times, I invest in my family and feel torn about my career. There is no way around these facts. This is just life … period. No one balances it all perfectly at all times. Guilt must be managed. It will not just go away, and it often prompts us to focus on one area that needs us the most. Learn to manage your guilt and listen to your heart.

2. There are times when I choose to put family first because I know that I have taken care of my career. My family and I deserve this time together, and I don’t apologize or feel guilty if work takes a backseat for a while. I have come to accept that my family and I deserve this. There are other times that work takes me away from very important family events, and I have to choose to manage my guilt. It takes continued focus and hard work to manage guilt and not allow it to manage you.

3. I am of no value to either work or family if I am not physically and mentally fit. I have not mastered this, but I continue to work on it. Pushing myself beyond my limits causes me to perform below my optimum level in both my personal and my professional lives.

4. I have learned to follow my gut instinct. Every time I have ignored it, I have regretted it. We usually know exactly what to do if we just learn to listen to our instincts. This might mean delegating the responsibility of an important meeting and getting on a plane to be with a child or spouse who needs you. Or it might mean leaving a family function and going back to the office to handle a task that you need to finish.

5. Set traditions with your family that they can count on and start early with routines that are predictable and fun. Our family has lunch together almost every Sunday. This keeps me going and gives my grandchildren a connection to me that they can predict.

6. Use technology to stay connected if you are unable to do it physically. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad that you are tucking in your child via FaceTime or Skype™. A virtual connection is better than no connection at all.

7. Post calendars of fun things that you have scheduled. Keep reminders up if you are planning a weekend getaway with your spouse, children, or grandchildren. The anticipation will remind them of your love.

8. Find ways to encourage your children and other family members to open up to you. When time is limited, find games, exercises, activities, or routines that work to get your family to share their feelings with you. You want to know how everyone is doing. Find creative ways to share feelings.

Listening to Children

2013-03-25T18:07:32Z

My older brother just welcomed his first grandchild into the world -- beautiful Eliza Kate. I’ve celebrated with his family as they have shared over 500 pictures on Facebook with those of us who do not live close by. You can see the love, adoration, and attentiveness to this baby in every picture. I am confident that every cry or whimper is heard and responded to by the parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, and other loving adults surrounding this sweet baby girl.

As adults, we tend to listen intently to new babies and have no problem trusting that they will tell us when they are hungry, tired, hurting, or in need of comfort. However, there seems to be a gradual discounting of a child’s voice as she ages. We don’t continue to listen intently to what she is trying to communicate to us. Perhaps we get too busy or become too confident in our ability to just know what she needs without really listening to her.

Or perhaps we focus on training our child on the behavior that he exhibits and miss the point. He screams out, bursts into tears, is defiant, or loses that radiant smile that once graced his face. If your child is causing you stress, it might be that he is attempting to communicate something to you that he feels is not being heard. The solution begins with your resolve to really listen to the pain behind the action. If he cannot communicate with words, listen closely to his cry. Remember when you could tell a sad cry from a hungry cry? Just because he is a big boy now doesn’t mean that his cries are not coded. Listen carefully. Observe. Step back. Watch how you act. Is your child trying to communicate that he needs you? Often our children’s behavior is more about us than about them.

There are times when parents should stop all the deafening noises that might be drowning out what their child is trying to say and focus on hearing her needs. This doesn’t mean that you excuse unacceptable behavior. If a six-year-old is hurting her three-year-old sister, that isn’t the time to just sit and listen. Adults must intervene. However, once that situation is handled, we have a responsibility to listen beyond the unacceptable behavior. So often we focus on what the child is doing wrong and fail to listen to the pain behind the behavior. If your child is acting out, there may be much more to the problem than her decision to be defiant. Listen to her actions as an older child just as intently as you listened to her cries as a newborn.

No one would be silly enough to think that a newborn baby cries just because he is mean, rude, or misbehaving. Crying is his way of communicating a need. As he gets older, perhaps making wrong choices, wearing a frown instead of a smile, or hitting his friends is communicating in the only way he knows how. Perhaps it is time for the adults in his life to stop and listen to his needs rather than spending so much energy focusing on his behavior.

We know anger is a mask for pain. I am of the opinion that repetitive, unacceptable behavior in children is often their way of getting our attention. Make sure you hear what they are trying to say to you. Lean in close and really listen.

Tender Guidance

2013-03-19T18:01:21Z

I recently blogged about positive guidance and would like to share a few thoughts on how to gently guide our children into making the choices that will enable them to be successful in life. Because our babies arrive so dependent on us, it is sometimes difficult to remember that our parenting objective is to empower them to become independent. We often forget that our role from day one is to move them toward independence while building a strong relationship of mutual respect.

I have read so much about positive guidance in my 30+ years in the field of early childhood education. The one word, whether implied or spoken, at the center of every discussion is relationship. Parents become accustomed to their baby’s dependence, and some never move forward but rather continue to do it all for their child – even to the point of imposing choices, consequences, and outcomes. This parenting style is selfish and disrespectful and does not consider the needs of the child.

The first step in Tender Guidance is to build a strong relationship with your child by:

1. Giving gentle touches.

2. Speaking kind words.

3. Quickly responding to cries of distress.

4. Having appropriate expectations for her age of development.

5. Watching for his cues and responding appropriately.

6. Listening to her on her eye level.

7. Saying his name when talking to him.

8. Describing the world around her.

9. Warning him before making a change.

10. Giving her clear expectations.

11. Reviewing the rules.

12. Apologizing when you are wrong.

Tender Guidance means that you:

1. Explain that the action made you unhappy, not the child.

2. Keep your facial expression consistent with what you are saying. If you are displeased with what he has done, show a stern face when you discuss the action. When you talk about your love for him, make sure your expression matches your feelings. Separate the two things.

3. Listen. You might get it wrong. Apologize if you do. Adults make mistakes, too.

4. If you have a toddler, intervene early and redirect to avoid issues. Tender guidance sets the child up for success.

5. Teach your child to self-manage.

6. Your child derives her self-worth from you and the other adults in her world. She is not born knowing how to feel about herself – we teach her. Teach your child to be gentle with herself so that she will be gentle with others.

7. Try different approaches. Don’t be afraid to try new things that are positive and put aside old habits that you know you shouldn’t do.

Reading to Children of All Ages

2013-03-12T20:14:07Z

My goal for writing blogs is to share practical and relevant information in a manner that inspires parents and adults who work with young children to remain focused on the things that truly matter. There is so much information about what to do and what not to do; and even professionals disagree among themselves on many topics. However, I believe that there are some areas where the data is pretty much undisputed.

We have only one chance to get it right, and we know for sure that what we do in the first five years of a child’s life impacts the child forever. We also know that what we do isn’t as important as the spirit in which we do it. We must love, nurture, hug, and express our feelings of love for a child in those first five years.

The heart comes first, but there other elements that are also essential. One thing I find that adults often misunderstand is the importance of reading to infants and young children. I want to share a few simple facts that I think are critical to instilling in your child a love of reading.

1. Read to your infant every day from the day she arrives. Don’t make it a chore -- read nursery rhymes and poems that are fun and also sing to her. Make daily reading a habit that you never stop.

2. Read to your toddler and make it a cozy snuggle time. Read the same book over and over if that’s what he wants. Adults get bored with repetition, but toddlers do not. Have a set reading time each day so he can predict it and also read when he requests it. Bedtime stories are great and find other times to read to him, as well. Try reading outdoors, in the car, and to fill waiting time.

3. Read out loud to your child, no matter the age. Do not stop reading aloud once she learns to read on her own. This is a serious mistake parents make. Children miss out on hearing a great story read to them when parents believe their children should practice reading at all times. Reading may eventually become a solo activity but read aloud to your child as long as you can. Even high-school students often enjoy their parents reading to them.

4. Offer specific praise to your emerging reader when he excels at reading.

5. As your child gets older, read a couple of chapters in a chapter book each night. Waiting to see what happens next is great delayed gratification, and it allows you to discuss the story. Talk about it and play guessing games to expand the story line.

6. Find easy books for your child to read for pleasure. She will stop reading if a book is too hard so don’t push her to always read difficult books. The more comfortable she feels reading, the more she will read. Gradually increase the level of difficulty.

7. If your child is reading for fun and doesn’t know a word, just tell him the word. Don’t make him sound it out each time unless he is reading for homework, reading practice, or study. This breaks up the story, and he loses concentration. There are two kinds of reading. Just let him read for fun when it’s the right time.

The more you read to your child, the more you surround her with great books, the more pleasurable you make the reading experience from the beginning, the better she will read. Reading well positions your child for success in many other areas of life.

Real Positive Guidance

2013-03-05T21:44:31Z

Carl Rogers, an American psychologist, is world renowned for his unique approach to understanding relationships and individual personalities. I would not attempt to restate his theories in a simple blog, but I suggest you spend some time looking into his work if you are interested in clinical studies to support the importance of unconditional love of parents, family, and friends in a child’s life.

As a parent, you might wonder how to let your child know that the behavior or choice he is making is not acceptable and yet you are not withdrawing your love or approval of him when you give correction. It seems that this is one of our toughest challenges -- guiding our children without hurting them.

First of all, children want to know when they get it right just like we do. As I blogged last week, they thrive on very specific praise. If you praise specific actions, children are less likely to feel that you are always evaluating them. Specific praise lets them know exactly what you noticed that was great so they can choose to increase that activity if they enjoyed it.

The same theory holds true for unacceptable behavior. It is very important that you give very specific feedback on unacceptable behavior. Whether you are praising or giving redirection, you must establish in your child’s mind that you love and treasure her regardless! It is the ACTION that you are addressing and neither praise nor redirection affects your FEELING of love for her or her VALUE to you. This is CRITICAL to building a strong relationship with her.

To redirect:

1. Remember that the idea of discipline is to teach, redirect, and eventually lead the child to self-regulate and choose the acceptable behavior on his own. Every aspect of parenting is moving the child toward independence.

2. Always give a warning so that the child has a chance to make the adjustment on her own. Don’t ever belittle her for not knowing a rule that she should have known.

3. Be consistent without being angry. Once you give a warning, follow through and do your best to keep your anger at bay. Your child needs to see you discipline in love. He needs to see that you gave him a fair chance to obey, that he chose to disobey, and that the consequence now follows. It is just a fact in life. You still love him, and he is still valuable to you. When this is over, everything is still good. Reflection is always good if the child is old enough.

4. Be sure to ask yourself if you are contributing to the issue:

a. Don’t keep a child up late and then get frustrated if she has a difficult time with the schedule. This is a parent issue, not a child issue.

b. Watch for signs of distress with other children and move in before things escalate. Teach children how to use their words if you see frustrations building. It is often best to just redirect before a situation goes too far.

c. If there is tension in your home due to marital strife or changes in your life, your children feel it. Don’t take it out on them. They have a sixth sense and may just need extra cuddles. Monitor your own stress levels. If they are high, find a way to vent before you deal with your child.

d. If you need help dealing with your child, ASK. There is NO shame in asking for help.

5. Listen to your child, even before he is old enough to talk. This means watch the non-verbal cues he sends you. He will communicate with you and tell you what he needs and wants.

While it is a very important part of parenting to give our children real positive guidance, there are many times they help all of us avoid tears by offering positive guidance to us. Children are never too young to be heard and have an incredible way of communicating so honestly if we just listen.

Praising Children to Build Self-Esteem

2013-02-26T21:29:28Z

Think about the difference in these two statements:

* “You are such a great artist.”

* “My heart smiles when I look at the picture you drew for me. I see you remembered that the beach is my favorite. The waves look real as they meet the sand, and I love that you remembered the color of our umbrella and chair the last time we were there.”

If you say only the first statement, you are setting your child up to look for outside validation. If you take the time to use specific praise like the second statement, the validation comes from inside the child as she hears you describe how her actions made you feel.

Specific praise takes more effort. It is much easier to take one look at a picture and say, “That is beautiful,” and then move on to your next chore. If you re-read my second statement, you will note that as the child begins to hear what you are saying, she will say to herself, “I am a good artist,” “I did a great job,” or “Mom loves my artwork.” This is your goal.

Think about it: Why do we offer words of praise? Most of us would answer that we want our children to have a healthy self-esteem. However, it is important that we understand how to best accomplish this goal. Positive words are great, but overused praise can make a child feel that he is always being judged.

The University of Minnesota Parenting Resources website has a great article on this subject: Praise That Builds a Child’s Self-Esteem. To give specific praise, describe what you see, what you hear, and how you feel. [1]

* “I saw that you shared your toys when Mia came to visit today. You made her feel very happy.”

* “You helped me so much by opening the door, and I also noticed how you helped the woman behind me with her boxes. Did you see the relief in her eyes when you caught that box that was about to fall?"

* “Today was such a happy day for me because we all got to eat at the restaurant using our manners. I noticed that you had on your listening ears, you used your fork and spoon as we had practiced, and you waited for the adults to finish talking. You were very patient, and I know that you worked hard at it.”

* “I saw you studying for your spelling test without my reminder. That made me feel so proud because I can see that you are being responsible.”

Our goal as parents is to praise our children in a manner that demonstrates specific reasons the praise is merited so they don’t feel that our love for them is conditional on our approval. This takes a little extra effort, but it is well worth it.

[1] University of Minnesota, http://www.extension.umn.edu/distribution/familydevelopment/W00009.html

A Wedding, A Croup Attack, and A Lesson Learned

2013-02-20T15:02:19Z

This weekend, our family met in Mississippi to attend the wedding of my beautiful niece. It was a fantastic weekend of laughter and joy, and I also learned something new that I want to share.

After the amazing wedding and hours of joy with our family, we all went to bed very late Friday night. At 2:40 a.m., my daughter and her husband ran into our bedroom with 3-year-old Ella in arms. Ella couldn’t catch her breath, and she sounded like a seal gasping for air as she tried to breathe. I knew it was an emergency, and we called 911. When the paramedics arrived, they knew right away that she was suffering a sudden onset of croup. They said she was in distress and transported her to the hospital where she spent several hours getting treatment.

It was later called a ‘croup attack’ which usually strikes in the middle of the night and affects children up to about age six. Once a child has an attack, it is likely that it will occur again. I had heard of the croup; but Ella had no fever, did not have a cold, and went to bed perfectly healthy. I had no idea that she could have an attack like that.

I have three grown children and three grandchildren, been in the field of early care and education for over 30 years, and yet I had never heard of a croup attack. I share this to make a significant point: No one knows it all. No matter how many children you have or what you have endured, life will find a way to present you with a new obstacle to overcome. I am sure that many of you know all about the croup and would have known exactly what to do had you been there with us that night. However, I had never come across nor read about a sudden croup attack.

I had no advice to offer that night except to say, “Call 911.” It’s okay to not have all the answers, and I am fine with admitting that. Don’t beat yourself up when you encounter a situation where you don’t know what to do, even if you find out that the solution is common knowledge to others. You can’t possibly know everything. Just be the best parent you can be and realize there will be MANY times that you will face things that you do not know how to handle. We ALL have blind spots … so when you don’t know what to do, ask for help.

Parenting is a journey, and it is first and foremost about building a strong relationship. My daughter nor her husband were going to give up until their baby got help. They were scared and didn’t know what to do; but Ella heard soothing, calming, whispered words of comfort the entire time. The relationship always comes first. You can find people with the knowledge to help you, but your child has only one mother, one father. Be the parent that she needs even when you are scared, searching for answers, or in pain. When you are not sure what to do on ANY matter regarding your child, seek help and focus on building and maintaining a strong relationship with her while you wait for direction.

I am so happy to report that Ella is just fine. She was treated and released a few hours later. I am also happy to report that I now know all about a croup attack. I also learned that it’s okay for even a ‘parenting expert’ to not have all the answers.

In case you are not familiar, listed below are informational websites regarding croup and croup attack:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/croup/DS00312/DSECTION=causes

Croup refers to an infection of the upper airway, generally in children, which obstructs breathing and causes a characteristic barking cough.

The cough and other symptoms of croup are the result of inflammation around the vocal cords (larynx), windpipe (trachea), and bronchial tubes (bronchi). When a cough forces air through this narrowed passage, the swollen vocal cords produce a noise similar to a seal barking.

http://children.webmd.com/tc/croup-topic-overview

Symptoms of croup often improve during the day and get worse at night. Sometimes children have croup attacks that wake them up in the middle of the night for a couple of nights in a row, but the illness usually improves gradually in 2 to 5 days.

Let Go of the Guilt

2013-02-12T18:29:26Z

I was texting with my sweet baby girl this weekend, and she was truly disappointed about something. Okay … she is about to turn 21, but she will always be my sweet baby girl. She was handling the situation admirably, but she was genuinely disappointed nonetheless.

Frankly, I panicked for a few minutes. I thought, “Oh, no! She is going to fall to pieces over this small setback.” I thought about all the mistakes I made as a parent and wished I had better equipped her for these moments in life. My mind raced through the times I moved in too quickly to fix something just so she could live in a pain-free world. Isn’t it funny how we blame ourselves for EVERYTHING our children do, even when they become adults? Perhaps you don’t have selective guilt, but I do. I am the last to take credit for the good, but the first to step up and heap on the blame when any of my children stumbles in the smallest way.

It was funny later, but I was so worried about her in the moment. I was the one having a panic attack, and my little 21-year-old baby girl was JUST FINE. Surprisingly, she bounced right back and handled her mini-crisis like a pro. Now, did I step back and say to myself, “Atta girl, Mom! You did a good job.” Of course I didn’t! I kept going down that path of assuming that she succeeded in spite of my shortcomings.

My point is this: Sometimes the voices in our head are just cruel. They tell us that we’re not doing a good job when the reality is that we’re doing a wonderful job and are just too hard on ourselves. We love, we give, and we push ourselves beyond what we think we can endure just so our family knows we care. We sometimes need to have a firm talk with ourselves and accept a little pat on the back from our own hands. When you love your children, invest your time, connect with them often, and do your very best, I urge you to do what I have to remind myself to do: Sit back and take NOTICE of the great children you have around you.

Each week, I meet many wonderful educators who work with children and countless amazing parents. All of us are bombarded with so much information that we often feel overwhelmed trying to keep up with the latest research and trends. In reality, the people I meet are very loving and investing in their families in remarkable ways that produce incredible children who continue to do the same. I want you to stop and celebrate the things that are going well in your life. Pause to FEEL your success -- you deserve it!

As you know, the highlight of my week is spending every Sunday with my family. This week, I listened carefully as we sat around the table. Above all the noise, I watched love in action through kind words, genuine hugs, and meaningful exchanges of concern for one another … and I smiled with deep satisfaction. Yes, it is okay to celebrate and be joyful. As William Shakespeare said, “Joy delights in Joy.” Being joyful brings you more joy.

Duty calls, and this mom is on a flight to the Big Apple on Monday morning. But I didn’t pack any guilt in my luggage this time. Take the time to re-evaluate if your suitcase, purse, suit coat, or heart carries guilt over how you are parenting your children. If your guilt is rational because you know you need to change, then take action so that you can live without regrets. If that guilt is unmerited guilt, then start today to celebrate all the great things about every child in your world.

Don't Blink

2013-02-06T13:04:08Z

We have experienced some crazy weather across our nation this year. This picture of my granddaughters playing in the snow in Dallas was taken just a few weeks ago. Within days, the temperature was back up to 70 and 80 degrees. However, weather isn’t my area of expertise.

I look at this picture and remember with such clarity the day Ava was born almost eight years ago, and it seems like Ella should still be a babe in arms. And Holton, my newest grandchild, is not only walking and running but is also talking and ruling our world.

When Ava walked by us at church on Sunday, my husband gave me a look that only a Poppy can give and said, “She’s going to be a teenager before we know it.” It was a moment and an exchange that we both know all too well. It’s very hard to believe that we are watching our grandchildren grow up so fast. As a mother with three grown children, I remember the day I brought each child home. It seems like only yesterday.

If I could offer just one piece of advice to a mom who still has a child at home, I would encourage her to find a way to stop and cherish something about each day. I would tell her that the memory of caring for her child, even in the wee hours of the night, will one day be a cherished memory and that she will recall the spills, the tantrums, and the nighttime antics with a smile. In just the blink of an eye, all the mundane things that she does over and over every day will be the memories that she holds dearest. Trust me on this.

So, moms … get out that journal, find your video camera, use the camera on your phone, or just write on a notepad and capture as many memories as you can. You will be so grateful that you wrote down the funny things your child said, that you snapped a picture of that silly face, and that you stopped to experience the joy of the moment. Pause … just look around and remember that you will not pass through this moment again. You may have to look diligently at times to find the good or to experience real happiness, but I encourage you to resolve that you will be fully present today so that your tomorrow is not filled with regret.

Trust me on this: As quickly as the snow melts in Dallas, your child will be an adult. You will look at her and see the child she was in the adult beside you. It happens in the blink of an eye. Decide today to make every moment count. You won’t regret it. You can trust me on that, too!

A Child's Stress is Real

2013-01-30T13:05:02Z

Sometimes we tend to minimize a child’s anxiety if we know that he will outgrow the source of that anxiety. For instance, if he is struggling to adjust to a new school, we might be quick to reassure him that he will find new friends and that everything will be okay. We tend to forget how difficult it is to be the “new student.”

As adults, we need to remember that a child’s stress is real. Although we know for certain that she will adapt to her new environment, we should not make light of her feelings. Stress can be more overwhelming to a child than it is to an adult because most children do not, as yet, have the coping skills they need to deal with it by themselves. As always, begin with patience, love, and understanding. Encourage your child to talk with you and listen closely to what she is saying so that you understand the source of her stress.

Here are a few tips that will help your child through a stressful situation:

1. Spend one-on-one time with him. Find an activity or hobby that you both enjoy doing together such as reading books, baking cookies, or playing games.

2. Never underestimate the power of touch — back rubs, massages, hugs, and gentle touches are very soothing to a stressed child.

3. Be physically active together and go outside whenever possible. Vigorous physical activity is a great way for both of you to release the stress of the day and also a good habit to adopt.

4. Let your child know that it is okay to make mistakes. Share a minor mistake you have made and explain how you corrected it on a level that she can understand.

5. Children love stories. Laughter is a great stress reliever so make up a fun story where the main character deals with the anxiety that your child is feeling.

6. Consider deep breathing exercises and even yoga classes for an extremely stressed child. You will find http://www.yoga4beginners.org/yoga/kids.html to be a great website detailing the many benefits of yoga such as enhancing a child’s self-awareness and bolstering his self-esteem as he gains control over his body and mind.

7. Validate your child’s feelings with phrases such as “I know you feel sad” and “It’s okay to feel scared.” Validation simply means that you have heard her. She needs to know that you have listened to her feelings more than she needs to know that the problem will be resolved.

8. Every child handles stress differently, and there are times to ask for help. Do not hesitate to involve your family doctor if you believe that your child is exhibiting signs of extreme stress and anxiety.

Life brings stress. Be a good role model for your child, and let him see you working through your stress and handling it in a healthy, positive way.

What Does a Child Really Need

2013-01-23T13:04:41Z

Do you recall the story of The Emperor’s New Clothes by Hans Christian Anderson? For those who might not remember this fairy tale, let me refresh your memory.

There was once an emperor so vain that he changed clothes every hour, and two con artists decided to take advantage of his vanity. They came into town and promised to sew clothes that would be so light and fine that the only ones who would be unable to see them would be those who were too stupid or too incompetent to see them.

When the emperor in his arrogance and vanity marched down Main Street to show off his new clothes, he was extremely confident that he looked amazing. His “wise and competent” advisors continuously told him that the clothes were everything he thought they were. At the apex of the parade, it was a child who stood up and shouted above the noise of the crowd, “But he is naked. He has NO clothes on at all!” The entire crowd was stunned by the wisdom and courage that the child demonstrated when NO one else around the king was bold enough to express the truth.

Children speak the truth, and all we need to do is listen. We sometimes surround ourselves with so much noise and so many different opinions regarding what children need. We then proudly walk through our days interacting with them in a manner that we’ve been told is right, and yet we ignore what the children themselves tell us they need.

Children ask for our time. Children tell us that they just want to be around us. They are comforted by just being in the same room with us. They forgive easily and don’t hold grudges. They ask us to hold them -- even older children love physical contact although they act as if they do not. They ask us to play with them. They have a propensity for joy -- adults are the ones who stifle it. They find beauty in simple things, and yet we inundate their world with ads and pressure ourselves to buy all the THINGS that we think they need to be happy. They do not need “things.” A child can have tremendous fun playing in a cardboard box.

Determine that you will truly listen to your child. You will be astonished at the wisdom and truth he will provide. Get rid of the noise and focus on really listening. You might find yourself strolling “naked” in the parade of life with advisors who have lied to you about what children really need. If that’s true, just grab a robe and sit down and listen to the real expert … the child you have the honor of loving and guiding. Inside that little heart is a wealth of treasure.

Your Child Will Forever Hear the Words You Speak Now

2013-01-15T16:27:50Z

As I have shared before, Sunday is a very special day in our family. We go to church and then have lunch together each week. When I gather around the table with my grown children and my grandchildren, I am home no matter where we are. I think every mom can relate to the peace that she feels when all her family is in one spot.

My children inspire me as I observe them parenting their children who are 7, 3, and 1. They guide their children with such devotion, skill, and consistency; and I think about how fortunate these three young ones are to have not only loving and well-intentioned parents but also parents who are knowledgeable in early care and education. So it is with passion to educate parents everywhere that I write on this Sunday afternoon.

My friend Peggy O’Mara posted this quote on Facebook: “The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.” As I reflected on today’s lunch, I must say it was hectic. However, all of us guided and redirected without one harsh word. The one-year-old boy was being a one-year-old boy; and my daughter-in-law was kind, prepared, and respectful at all times. My daughter addressed her seven-year-old with the same polite tone and manner afforded others who were in the restaurant. Her expectations were appropriate; and my son helped by giving his niece smiles, hugs, and kindness.

I share this personal picture only to make this point: Every word that you say and action that you take as a parent matters. My three grandchildren were not hearing negative directives such as “sit down,” “be quiet,” “stop fidgeting,” or words that were even more berating such as “you are bad,” “mean,” “stupid,” “not nice,” etc. Words such as these become a child’s inner dialogue that he will hear over and over in his mind throughout his life.

Life is tough enough. Children who grow up in amazing homes with loving parents who give affirmation and great words of encouragement will still go through phases of self-doubt. However, if we have validated their feelings of inferiority, they will have a very hard time rising above the doubts and bouncing back from them.

Give your child a HUGE advantage in life. Speak kindly. Be gentle. Think about what you are going to say before you say it. If you say the wrong thing, apologize and figure out how to avoid continuing in that pattern. Don’t be too weak to apologize again for the same behavior if you fail more than once. Your children will come to appreciate your authenticity.

There is one clear point I must make: Kindness does not mean weakness or lack of boundaries. In fact, if you want your child to be very insecure, let her be in control. Control frightens young children. Children actually thrive on consistent boundaries that are lovingly enforced. We could not enjoy our lunches on Sunday if my children did not have boundaries for their children.

Take some time at the beginning of this new year to inventory how you speak to your child and other children in your world. Are your words the ones you want ringing in their ears for the rest of their lives? If not, YOU can change them! Words matter … so choose your words wisely. Also remember that some experts believe that up to 93% of communication is NON-VERBAL. So, when taking inventory of your words, do a quick heart check. If your heart doesn’t match your words, figure out how to adjust that. Every child is worth whatever you must do to get it right. Each child has only one childhood, and you have only one chance to impact her at this stage in her development. Make it count!

Building Creative Confidence

2013-01-09T16:03:38Z

IDEO company founder David Kelley was featured in a 60 Minutes special this past week. I found his approach to business so intriguing. Whenever I watch a leader whom I admire, I probably look at things from a slightly different angle than most. I am always striving to understand how what we do in the early years reaps real rewards for children when they are older. I hit the jackpot with David Kelley when I found a speech he made on TED about how to build creative confidence. I hope you will take the time to watch it. He says that everyone can be creative. A person who doesn’t feel creative has probably been shut down by someone saying that s/he was not creative at some point along the way – her coloring wasn’t good enough, his project didn’t turn out well, or her idea wasn’t that great.

I want our educators and families to be reminded that WHAT we do each day and WHY we do it will have a tremendous impact on our society. We stress the importance of nurturing in our children a love of learning and exploration; and we encourage creativity by removing as many barriers as possible. Research supports everything we do – open-ended art, both child- and adult-initiated experiences, small- and large-group activities, technology that is social and interactive, writing centers that allow the child to go at his own pace and never compare his skills to others … and the list goes on.

Our job as the adults in a child’s world is to awaken, inspire, and ignite her creativity. That’s why it is so critical that the early years are filled with successful experiences. We do not know who the child will become, but we do know that each child is naturally more gifted in some areas than others. Childhood is a time when children should be allowed to explore anything and everything with no judgment. They should be allowed to touch, smell, build, discover, and experiment in a positive environment. We must keep their world as friendly and non-judgmental as possible. And because harmful words from their peers can shut down children’s creativity just as fast as those from adults, we must teach them how to be respectful and kind to each other.

We are shaping our world. What we as parents do in our homes each day matters. Feed these tender, young souls with inspiring words. Build your child’s (and your spouse’s, for that matter) creative confidence by saying something positive about what they dare to create or a new idea they may have. If there is a problem, work together to correct it. If you have discipline issues with your school-age child, involve him in setting up the rules and consequences. He is very creative and can be a part of the solution.

David Kelley said that his life goal is to build creative confidence in others. I think it is a very worthy goal because having creative confidence leads to confidence in so many other areas in life. Let’s help him by beginning early and building it in the children we touch.