ChildrensChoice

Our fast-paced world produces many casualties. We are often moving so quickly that we deny our children the time that they need to discover who they are. Sometimes we send them mixed messages. We may tell them how important they are to us, but do we truly stop and give them our undivided attention?

Have you ever done this? You ask your young child a question, and you can almost see him forming the answer in his little brain. As soon as he blurts out the essence of his answer, you complete his thought because you’re in such a hurry. Perhaps you are not aware of it, but you have robbed him of a process that is critical to his development. While moving on quickly to the next task might keep the family on schedule, continual failure to allow him to fully formulate his thoughts and express them will impede his development.

Giving your child the gift of time shows that you care. Slow down your pace and be totally present with her. Watch her as she plays. Play is her work, and it is the way she learns about herself and her world. She needs time to explore, to think, to discover, and to process what she uncovers. Sometimes you will need to engage in play with her, and other times it is best to allow her to play independently. Nothing can replace the gift of giving her the time and freedom to discover who she is and to express how she feels. There is no crash course in or early graduation from this period in her life. Trust me.

Most of us live very busy lives, and the summer brings even more activity into our already full calendars. Parents and children are bombarded with noise, stress, deadlines, schedules, and demands … but the summer of 2013 will come only once. Pencil in time every single day that you tune out everything else to watch your preschooler play and look your pre-teen in the eye. If you ask a question, wait on the answer. Schedule purposeful discovery time to find out more about your child and the wonderful world you share together. It is an investment that will pay rich dividends … for both of you.

“The voyage of discovery is not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.”  ~ Marcel Proust

Happy Summer! Explore with new eyes!

I have the gift of working closely with children, and they absolutely delight me. I am also blessed with the most amazing grandchildren in the world. Feeling that way about your grandchildren is required to belong to this club, right? This picture is my four-year old Ella from Dallas, Texas, who is celebrating life in the rain at the top of the Empire State Building. She is touring the original 13 colonies with her family, and you can read all about it at http://travelingwiththehenrys.com. Ella is the one in mid-air with the little ponytails in the top panel of pictures.

The family’s aggressive plan necessitates a lot of driving. When the picture here was taken, Ella had been in the car most of the day and had then ridden the train into the city, taken a cab, the subway, and an available limo. The family toured the Empire State Building long after Ella’s bedtime, but she didn’t let the adversity of the day interfere with the wonder she found in that moment celebrating the raindrops on her face.

I will treasure this picture for many reasons, and it challenges me to ask myself why I have allowed my vision to become so clouded by the negativity all around me. Why do I see a raindrop and immediately think that it is going to be a gloomy day? Why do I think that my plans cannot go on? Where did I lose the wonder?

Perhaps some adjustments are needed. I know that “dancing in the rain” is a little overused … but seriously -- stop what you are doing and just watch the children in your life. They will show you the joy of being in the moment and encourage you to rediscover the unused resources inside yourself that just might ignite a party in your soul. Next time you feel the clouds of fear and doubt gathering, put on your jacket and go to the top of the building and dance. Even if that doesn’t make you feel better, you might inspire someone else!

I get that children don’t have the weight of the world on their shoulders, and they haven’t yet learned that life isn’t fair. I also submit that, as adults, we sometimes choose the outlook that makes our load much heavier than it needs to be. My Ella, Ava, and Holton teach me amazing life lessons, as do all the children in my life. Look around you for the children in your life who can teach you to dance in the rain long after bedtime.

“Water, water, every where,
Nor any drop to drink.”

These lines from Samuel Taylor Coleridge’s “The Rime of the Ancient Mariner” came to mind when I saw a simple Facebook post by a friend of mine asking a question regarding her 10-week-old son. With so much information at our fingertips, parents often feel like they know less and have less as they attempt to find what is trustworthy and accurate. I must admit that I was mortified at some of the “advice” she received from well-meaning people from all walks of life who believed they were assisting her in her dilemma.

In these times, we can find someone who will agree with us on just about any action or situation; and parenting advice is certainly not excluded. So how do parents know which sources to trust? Even our family and friends are not always informed about what is currently considered best practice. Just because they did something with their child and he “turned out just fine,” does not mean that we should use their criteria to determine our parenting decisions. I always tell parents that they are their child’s number-one advocate and to always trust their gut instinct. If it doesn’t feel right for you or your child, it probably isn’t. As Benjamin Spock said, “What good mothers and fathers instinctively feel like doing for their babies is usually best after all.”
 

Here are my suggestions for today’s parents:

1.     Search until you find a pediatrician who truly supports your parenting journey. Each one of us needs a physician we can trust in every phase of our lives.

2.     Give special attention to health and safety matters first. Ensure that you and your sources remain up-to-date. Listen to the current research and facts about health and safety over the advice of family and friends.

3.     Ask family and friends who are especially diligent about researching everything and are happy to share their findings. If I am going to purchase something that my daughter has recently purchased, all I have to do is ask her. I trust her, and she is an amazing fact-finder. She spent hours researching every detail, and she gives me the abbreviated version of which product is best and why. It is great to have this type of resource in your life regarding parenting matters.

4.     Teachers of young children have real-life experience as well as academic knowledge. These dedicated professionals often prove to be some of the greatest resources for parents.

More information doesn’t necessarily make the parenting journey any easier. Choose your sources wisely and then determine what is best for your child. We all must understand that our best is good enough and that we will grow and learn from each other throughout this journey called Life.

When we are so busy preparing to teach and guide our children, we often find that they are the ones educating and guiding us. All of the planning, researching, and studying can never prepare you for the uniqueness of your child. Don’t miss the joy of the journey by trying too hard. Find your rhythm by determining who you can trust.

The other night, I was watching a recorded interview with a parenting expert. The reporter asked the expert some tough questions regarding her opinion on raising children with character in a morally corrupt society. The expert repeatedly gave vague answers, and the reporter became frustrated and finally abruptly asked, “Whatever happened to, ‘This is wrong, this is right, this is good, and this is bad?’ Why can’t we just tell children to mind their manners and to say, ‘Please,’ and ‘Thank you’?” The reporter was pointing out that the expert’s very vague answers to very simple questions were confusing parents even more.

Here is my point: Values are caught more than they are taught. Your children will watch you and then do what you do. If you want them to be honest, tell them the truth and seize teachable moments to show them the value of honesty. If you want them to be compassionate, show compassion to others and introduce that lifestyle to them very early. If you want them to be disciplined about what they eat, what they watch, and what they say, then you must be attentive to what you eat and watch and say. Offer only healthy foods. Turn off the TV or other media when it doesn’t reflect your family values. Refrain from saying words that your children should not hear.

We often drag our children to experts and ask for help when it’s really the parents who need the discipline. I agree that the condition of society doesn’t help us, but we control our child’s world in so many ways. Let’s be honest. We’re the ones who really want to see that show, eat that junk, or have one more drink. Children typically grow up to mimic what they have observed. This isn’t always the case; but, again … family values are more often caught than taught.

Parenting isn’t for the weak, but it isn’t reserved for those who have achieved perfection either. It is a journey where the relationship matters more than anything. Just remember that little eyes are always watching and little ears are always listening. That’s motivation to be the best that you can be! Be clear and consistent about whatever you determine to be important. Consistency is critical and living it out authentically with your child in a warm and loving environment brings the richness and beauty that makes life magical.

I was sitting at lunch with my sweet granddaughter who is very prissy and always notices my jewelry, my hair, my outfit, and such.  I have long acrylic nails, and three were broken and looked just awful. I held out my hand to show her how badly I needed to get to the nail salon and asked her, “Can you believe Dee Dee’s hand?” My sweet Ava said, “Wow, it is looking old.” Well, that wasn’t what I hoped she would say, but I do love the honesty of children. It is always so refreshing.

Life can rarely be understood in black and white, and there are typically gray areas where discretion is needed. We also sometimes try to sugarcoat our message to avoid offending someone. However, most of us appreciate simple honesty whenever possible. Here are five very honest, straight-forward tips that I hope will help you to parent those you love:

1.     Children will become what they see you live out each day. It is pretty difficult to teach your child the value of honesty if he witnesses your dishonesty over insignificant things. If he hears you tell what we like to call ‘white lies,’ don’t be surprised if, as a teenager, he tells you what you want to hear instead of telling you the truth.

2.      Children have a way of understanding the overall truth of a matter rather quickly. When tragedy strikes or unpleasant things happen that must be shared with them, it is okay to tell them what happened in an age-appropriate way; but they do not need gory details. They can grasp the overall point, and that is typically all they need. They will ask if they need more. Their main concern will always be, “How does this affect me?” Be sure to include that in any discussion you have with them about events in your family or community.

3.     Children can spot division very quickly and will use it to their advantage. Make sure that the adults in the home who are participating in the child’s life are on the same page. If there are differences, iron them out behind closed doors and present a rock-solid, united front to the child.

4.     Inconsistency is one of the most critical parenting mistakes. Be certain where you stand on an issue before you take action and then be consistent no matter how the child responds. If you change your position, talk it out with the child and let her know that you decided to make the change. Inconsistent parenting is confusing and, in the end, breeds insecurity in children. Follow through and keep the rules and expectations the same.

5.     Don’t apologize for setting fair, consistent, loving limits.  Children are not always happy with boundaries, but they need loving limits imposed by a loving parent until they are old enough to self-discipline. Remember that it is imperative to balance these limits with positive acts of kindness, words of affirmation, and time spent doing fun activities.

“It's not only children who grow. Parents do, too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can't tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it myself.” -- Joyce Maynard